In episode 30 of the Healing Narratives of Suicide, Sara @sara.swims4billy shared how it was losing her son, Billy, to suicide almost 3 years ago. This week's episode is Keelie’s @running.swimming.bubbles story - Keelie is Billy’s sister.

Keelie shares what it was like from the perspective of being Billy's older ‘protective’ sister and how difficult it was coping with his mental health difficulties.

We discuss how:

• hard it was grieving with very young children.
• Keelie was inspired to start a running group, which helped her find herself and cope with the loss.
• all-consuming Billy’s illness was for the whole family.
• Keelie’s family made the decision to live a life worth living.
• resilient she has become.
  it has affected every area of her life.

Andrea lost a very good friend to suicide 8 years ago and shared her story of this in episode 28

Andrea is back to share what it was like telling her 7 year old twins and how she has coped with the mental health difficulties of her son, Isaac.

We discuss -

• how to tell the children of a suicide loss and how to support them in grief.
• the effect suicide loss had on Isaac.
• how Andrea coped with Isaac’s suicide attempt and strategies she used to support him.
• how Andrea started to look after her own mental health and find her own support.
• the compassionate use of language around mental health.
• school ‘refusal’ and how to cope.
• how as parents and caregivers we need to understand the impact on ourselves in order to become assertive with other people about our children’s best interests.

Cindy lost her 19 year old son, Andrew, the youngest of her 5 children, to suicide 4 years ago.

Cindy speaks openly and honestly about how being a mum defines who she is and, since losing Andrew, how she has managed the physical and emotional manifestation of grief.

Part of Cindy’s journey has been to start a charity – the Aslan foundation – in order to support others with teenagers struggling with their mental health.

Cindy’s story is both moving and heartfelt – showing us how a mother’s love endures through everything and how Andrew will forever live on in her.

This is Sara’s story of losing her son, Billy, to suicide in 2019. Sara trained to be a counsellor 20 years ago and found it helpful in staying strong and calm whilst caring for Billy during a long period of mental health difficulties shrouded by drug misuse.

Sarah is passionate about talking about Billy and the discrimination he faced and her need to support him 24/7.  Since Billy’s death, Sara has become an advocate for raising awareness about the often ignored condition of bipolar whilst seeking justice for Billy.

In her story, Sara challenges and explains why some views of supporting suicidal people may not always be helpful and how cold water swimming has helped her cope with the confusing emotions she can often feel.

This is a story of courage and justice.

Andrea lost her friend, Chris, to suicide 8 years ago. Chris had bipolar and Andrea and her family had supported him through his highs and lows.

In this episode hear how:

• Andrea coped with telling her young children and how they have processed it since,
• she hid herself from the anger (towards herself and Chris) and then managed to process it – basically how she processed the conflict of “you caused us this pain” and “it wasn’t your fault,”
• Andrea’s physiotherapy career has taken a turn since realising humans are emotional and physical beings,
• Andrea handled the guilt of thinking she could have saved Chris,
• different therapies have helped her,
• Andrea handled the internal argument between her body, heart and mind.
• Andrea has found self-compassion using art.

This is an inspiring story of hope from Bee, a suicide attempt survivor who wishes to help suicide loss-survivors heal from the responsibility and guilt they may feel.

Since her attempt, Bee is on a mission as a mental health advocate to make sure she does all she can to reduce the lives lost to suicide. After having her own grief and struggling with mental health problems since a young age, Bee gives amazing insights on her own journey.

Hear us discuss many issues of mental health and suicide. Including why Bee did what she did that day and how she shares this to help us understand how depression confused her thinking so much and clouded reality.

Please listen to this with extra care. Bee and I share this discussion because I do believe by understanding suicide more, we can start to make sense of why our loved ones did what they did.  I am also acutely aware that there is always a myriad of reasons why people take their own lives, but hope that with the complexity of every suicide-attempt story I share, society begin to understand that suicide is never simple.

I am also very aware that stories like this can be difficult to listen to as suicide-loss survivors because we so wish our loved ones were still here to share their story. Hence please listen when you feel able to and switch off at any point if you are noticing it is too much for you to hear right now. These podcasts will remain here as long as podcasts exist, so you can always revisit it when you are at a different point in your journey with grief.

Breanna talks of losing her high school friend to suicide 5 years ago and how she developed her therapeutic yoga practice to heal from her loss.

Breanna’s story is full of helpful information about grief yoga and how we can heal our bodies. Hear what grief yoga is and what the benefits are amongst Breanna’s experience of different types of loss. Particularly how her high school group of friends coped with their friend’s suicide and the inevitability of guilt amongst everyone.

Breanna’s story shows us how there is no hierarchy to grief – no limit - everyone who cared for that person is entitled to experience grief based on their relationship and everyone deserves to be acknowledged and supported.

Olivia is bravely living with the effects of her father’s suicide attempt and has lost her Aunty and several friends to suicide.

This is Olivia's story.

As a clinical psychologist from South Africa, Olivia recognises she wears two hats – a caring professional for a suicide liaison service in North London and a daughter who grew up trying to cope with her father’s mental health problems, addictions and consequently, the brain damage he is left living with.

 We discuss:

• The grieving process when your loved one changes beyond the person you remember.
• Anger which needed to be redirected away from internalisation.
• The effect of trauma on the body and mind.
• How Olivia managed as a child living in a chaotic world.
• Shame and how it affected both Olivia and her father.
• The difference between shame and guilt.
• Merging the professional and the personal after suicide.
• How Olivia manages to continue to live with her father’s illness and physical condition.

Kristina from Vancouver lost her sister Erin in late 2013, 7 years at the time of recording this podcast.

In this powerful episode Kristina describes how her family decided to talk about what her sister couldn’t –  mental health. The COVID lockdown has given Kristina time to pause and consider how to best talk about her sister’s suicide. She has started training for an Iron Man event and thrown herself into learning everything she can about mental health and suicide.

 As both sisters who have lost a much loved sibling, we discuss:

• how to talk about suicide.
• the difference between mental health and physical health.
• the challenges of supporting others through their mental health.
• how Kristina felt she wanted to defend Erin.
• how best to try and understand suicide without ever knowing the full truth.
• handling social situations and how others can best support us.
• grief and gratitude.

This is Jane’s story. Jane lost her husband, Terry, to suicide in November 2019 and is in the process of starting a charity in his name (TRH Charity).

In this episode we discuss:

• why Jane is starting a charity.
• how we can work as a community to offer more proactive support.
• how Jane managed all of the ‘why’ questions.
• how suicide grief is different to other types of grief.
• how Jane found solace through the church.

 A real story of trying to come to terms with a suicide loss.

It was only when Kathy lost her son and ex-husband to murder-suicide in April 2020 she realised how grief had affected her whole life.

Kathy lost both her Dad and Aunt to suicide before she was a teenager and her brother in a motorbike accident aged 22. Kathy developed chronic physical illnesses as a child and sought her own ways of healing something she thought was wrong with herself.

After her son died and took his father with him, Kathy spiralled into grief and realised she didn’t need fixing but needed to grieve. She is doing so, consciously and mindfully, making time to grieve whilst doing everything she can to help her daughter grieve too.

In this powerful episode Kathy and I discuss:

• the physical effects of grief.
• breathwork, meditation, nature and yoga.
• Catholicism and suicide.
• combatting guilt.
• loneliness.
• how to communicate with children around grief.
• how Kathy continues her bond with her son – not his final act.
• how Kathy is managing to balance grief with life.

A very touching story full of wisdom, vulnerability and strength.

Tracy lost her teenage daughter, Chelsie, to suicide 15 years ago and brings bucket-loads of wisdom to this episode.

Tracy shares many things: from how it felt parenting her son through his emotional difficulties to common issues found after suicide loss like the relationship fractures, stigma, shame and physical pain she experienced.

We also discuss word choices around suicide, the lack of support available for suicide-loss survivors and how we feel people can best support us.

Lisa offers us a unique perspective. She not only attempted suicide herself when she was 19 years old, she lost her brother, Stephen “the loveable rogue”, to suicide 5 years ago.

After living a life with emotional turbulence herself, Lisa was diagnosed with bipolar just weeks before Stephen died. Anger gripped her for 3 years until she found the mental clarity to notice the effect it had on her. She decided to put great effort into “separating herself from her brother’s suicide” – focussing on loving herself instead.

Lisa did this through removing herself from social media, expressing herself through singing and succeeding in work as a mental health advocate for others.

Lisa’s story reminds us how unique everyone’s story is.

Sasha’s Mum died in an accident 8 years ago when Sasha was 29. She then lost her Dad to suicide almost 3 years ago and that changed the trajectory of her grief.

Sasha felt that her mum’s death was going to prepare her for her Father’s death but she was surprised at the different layers that came and had to learn how to manoeuvre through the waves of grief again.

We discuss:

• the differences between suicide loss and other losses.
• what it was like for Sasha becoming an orphan as an adult.
• Sasha’s confusion around her dad's death and how she had to break through that in order to process the rest of her grief.
• what it felt like for our families to shrink so quickly.
• how Sasha changed the trajectory of her career and is living a more meaningful life.

A very real, daughter’s story.

This is Laurence’s touching story of losing his partner, James, to suicide 8 years ago.

 Hear how Laurence:

• did his absolute best to support James through his mental health difficulties.
• had friends that helped by just being there.
• coped when a lot of friends scattered.
• got stuck - feeling like he was living for James.
• coped with the blame and anger he felt from others.
• had to get to know ‘suicide.’

Joe tells his story of losing both his mother and father to suicide before he was 11 years old. After over 30 years of coping with a generalised anxiety disorder, panic attacks, a divorce and the stress of being a professional business man, Joe and I discuss important areas of mental health, business and suicide loss, including:

• the significance of trauma after suicide loss.
• the needs of teenagers when faced with suicide loss.
• the physical effects of depression.
• how Joe coped as a teenager through snowboarding, friendships and music.
• how the COVID lockdown helped Joe make healthy life choices in business.
• how Joe managed his panic attacks.
• empathic leadership.

A story illuminating the possible effects of suicide loss on a child and a growing man.

Crystal lost her sister to suicide over 2 years ago.

The youngest of 8 siblings, Crystal received the phone call none of us thought we would ever receive.

Crystal tells of her sister’s mental health struggles and how she learnt how to grieve from her previous significant losses.

With a supportive husband and family, Crystal recognised that pushing her grief ‘under the carpet’ didn’t work – it kept coming back in the most inopportune moments.

Hear how Crystal has found her own way to recover as much as she can.

Ryan’s brother, Tom, died by suicide 2 years ago.

Ryan runs a business with his close-knit family and had tried to help his brother recover from various addictions. Just 2 months before Ryan’s first son was born, Tom suicided and life has been a daily race since. A race to look after the family business, his father who has dementia, his young family and his own mental health.

Ryan got to the point where he realised that he couldn’t carry on being angry. He realised that he needed to try and find a way through the immense feelings. Hear us discuss his journey of grief and how he has used many different techniques to start his healing journey – from counselling to ice baths and yoga.

Hannah, 25 years old, lost her mum to suicide.

In 45 minutes we hear the immense journey she has been on during the past year - being impacted by huge feelings of shock, anger, confusion, pain and pride, which has led to periods of avoidance, transparency, purpose and living a life of meaning.

Hear how Hannah began to reduce the negative thoughts and feelings once she started to accept that her mum had made the decision she had and realised that life, and who she is as a person, will never be the same again.

Through using social media to share her grief in an open, safe way, Hannah has now developed an IG community where she supports others grieving and has become an ambassador for Suicideandco.

A story which shows what a huge impact losing a mother to suicide can have on a daughter’s life.

Chrissie shares so much wisdom of her lessons from grief.

She supported her husband’s mental health for 4 years by being the strong one, on constant guard to make sure he was ok. After 2 previous suicide attempts, he died by suicide on her birthday 14 years ago.

The stark reality hit her hard and pain and heartache engulfed her yet she managed to continue working, looking after their daughter and developing her own heart-led business they dreamed of.

Hear how she managed this by accepting her feelings and recognising that her feelings of grief was the love she could no longer show her husband.

A hard but heart-warming story of strength and wisdom.

The rollercoaster journey of one mother’s loss of her son to suicide

Jill shares her story of losing, Mike, her son to suicide 6 years ago.

On December 27^th 2014 Jill got the message she never thought she would hear. Her son was a military man who had struggled being happy since a child.

Jill describes the highs and lows of coping with her son's mental health when he was alive and feeling as if she couldn't carry on after his death. All followed by a period of coping the best way she can.

Jill finds her purpose through the pain by writing a book, helping others from her website and being all she can for her daughter.

A story of transformation and loss.

Jenna, 25 years old, lost her brother, Trevor, to suicide 2 years ago.

We talk about how sibling loss may affect us in terms of our attachments and stability knowing who we are.

Hear Jenna’s story of living with Trevor’s mental health difficulties growing up, and how Jenna has become a different person since his suicide. She now understands that she has to care for her own mind and body first, in order to help others.

Since Trevor’s passing, Jenna has had the determination and courage to train as a life coach and plans to support others who have lost a sibling to suicide - making something out of the huge impact Trevor had on her life.

Jacky has attempted suicide twice. Thankfully still here, she can share her wealth of knowledge about how to identify and work with suicide risk. Jacky candidly describes what it felt like to be in such emotional pain she just wanted it all to go away.

Jacky now lives a life of purpose and feels happier than she ever has done. Providing safe-space running groups across the UK for those who are feeling suicidal or struggling with their mental health.

Listen to this if you would like to hear us discuss: the difference between ‘preventing suicide’ and ‘promoting life,’ how we can help support suicidal people, why community is so important to reduce risk and how running helps with our emotional wellbeing.

Kak Ngah is from Malaysia where suicide is still a crime. She faced the loss of a loved one to suicide almost 10 years ago and she shares her story, highlighting how cultural attitudes to suicide may affect those grieving.

Kak describes how she felt shame and tried to hide her grief, which only erupted like a volcano with mental health difficulties and suicidal thoughts. At which point she reached out for support and has found her own way through her grief.

Through setting up a support group, Kak is speaking out about suicide grief and mental health awareness in order to highlight the fact that feeling suicidal is not a crime and those who feel suicidal need to be supported rather than treated like criminals.

Setting up a support group has taken courage, to which Kak replies “courage is contagious.” She feels the more courageous she is, the more courage others will have to speak out until the law is changed.

Kate had immigrated to New Zealand with her husband and 2 teenage children when her husband took his own life.

Richard was a medical professional, as Kate is, and although his depression had led to disordered thinking and behaviour, his suicide was a huge shock to everyone.

Kate felt a huge amount of guilt from her identity as a medical professional but found strength to move back to the UK and made peace, as much as she can, with what has happened.

A story of true strength in the face of a mother and medical professional’s extreme pain and loss.

Hear the massive journey Jamie has been on since losing her father to suicide 10 years ago.

Jamie felt like she had to be the strong one for everyone else and fiercely started to defend herself from her feelings. It wasn’t until she hit ‘rock bottom’ in a police cell that she realised she didn’t care about herself  - the worse thing had already happened, right?

Upon the realisation that although her father was dead, she was still alive, Jamie started to care about herself and look inward at what her father’s suicide had left behind

Speaking now as a 35 year old woman, Jamie has come far and shares her story with realness and honesty - for all of us to know the heaviness and complexity of grief after suicide.

A raw story of pain, complexity and transformation.

Kristel lost her long-term partner to suicide 7 years ago.

In this heart-warming episode, Kristel shares her long journey with grief - with very difficult periods and other times where she felt relief knowing her partner was in peace after mental health difficulties.

Hear how Kristel managed guilt, shame and other strong feelings alongside daily life with their children.

Hear how she made a decision very early on that she was done with the stigma, judgements and expectations and grieved in her own way – mindfully, honestly and emotionally – no matter how hard that was.

A very touching story of loss, vulnerability, strength and wisdom.

Sensitive Content… Listen to this episode with care (maybe with a nice cup of tea!). Our guest is very honest about her mental health and suicide attempts - great to raise awareness - but may touch on some of your pain.

Sharon from @Sixty.Ninth.Street.Suicide attempted suicide over 4 years ago and has written a book in order to support suicide loss survivors. By defining her ‘why,’ Sharon hopes others can make meaning of any guilt or shame they may feel after the suicide of a loved one.

Hear how the long trajectory towards suicide, which started when Sharon was a teenager, made her hide her depression and feel that suicide was the only option she had left.

A helpful story in terms of making sense of a suicide.

This episode’s guest is Meg, who lost her husband to suicide in 2008.

Meg shares her ups and downs and how she feels she has now risen, like the Phoenix, in the painful flames of grief.

In 2008 Meg had little support or understanding for her loss and had to learn how to live again, as a widow, without a manual.

Hear how Meg let go of friends that didn’t serve her anymore, supported her teenager’s grief and used her journal to recover from a 4 year period of grief depression - where Meg had recognised how bad her husband may have been feeling. This understanding helped Meg shift her mindset and become the woman she is today.

An uplifting story full of the rollercoaster emotions of suicide loss.

We are blessed to have our first guest, Victoria from Yogi Mami, raising awareness of suicide loss by sharing her real story of unexpectedly losing her husband in May 2019.

Hear how she has parented her 2 young children through the grief and how she accesses support where she needs to.

Hear how Victoria is still finding her own way through her grief – where she is left knowing and wanting to share that “depression is real… suicide is real” and  cannot be ignored.

We are honoured to have Linzi Meaden, from ‘What Suicide Left Behind,’ discussing the loss of her only sibling to suicide just 9 months ago.

Hear how Linzi has written her own book as a way of processing her journey and how she is finding her own voice - her own purpose,  which she found hard to do prior to her brother’s death.

Still in a bit of a ‘grief fog,’ we are very grateful for Linzi for being brave and sharing her experiences in order to beak the stigma of suicide and support others in their loss.

This first episode is my story and how, as a psychotherapist and counselling psychologist in training - I had to pick up the pieces after my brother's suicide.

Hear how I have come to a place where I am able to manage my grief, where although it will never disappear and I will never forget my brother and what has happened, I am able to move forward each day the best way I can.